I'm pulling up bones I buried years ago
Lego Masters, seminary, and opening up doors to old dreams
My family loves the series Lego Masters!1 It’s hard to not love lego fanatics creating incredible builds — plus it can be hard to find a show that appeals to the different ages of people living in my house, so it has that going for it.
The show is full of playful banter, silly moments and even tears. As each team leaves the show they do a short exit interview. Teams share a few last words about what the time meant to them, or how proud they are, and sometimes they give advice to viewers.
Once, a player from a team of two women, who were both also mothers, said these words as she left the show: “you don’t have to give up on your dreams, even though you have other people’s dreams to worry about too.” Both women had tears in their eyes as they hugged.
Her words were not just about competitive lego building (of course) — it’s a message that reaches much further. It's as if she was saying: You’re a person too! And she’s right, we know this — you don’t have to give up your own life or dreams the minute you bring new life into the world. Not only do you get to have dreams, but you can go for them. You can hold the dreams of others, even while holding onto your own. It’s not either or. As I say often around here, we can hold more than one thing at a time.
Last winter, almost on a whim, I applied to a seminary program at Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary2. A few weeks later I was accepted, offered a scholarship and in early September I’ll be starting a graduate program with hopes of completing an Mdiv (Masters of Divinity) over the next 3 (or 4!) years.
Last week I wrote these words in a bio for the seminary:
In my decision to attend Austin Theological Seminary I am responding to a continual call from God to be more of who I was created to be. Seminary has long been a dream, though it has never seemed like the right time (for lots of reasons!) until now. I don't know exactly what is on the other side of my time at Austin Seminary, but I'm excited (and curious!) to participate in the unfolding work of God in my life.
A dream?! It’s true. I considered going to seminary immediately after completing my undergraduate degree, and even a few years later, but it just didn’t happen. As it is with many dreams. Sometimes it’s right for dreams to get tucked away or we have to simply let them go. Sometimes though, they get buried under figuring out what’s for dinner, take-home folders, and the dailiness of life.
At times we may think they’re buried forever. We may think that the season has passed, and we no longer view them as dreams. Then one day — they’re back. Or at the very least, the door opens and you stick your head in, looking around to see if it’s still a dream.
I have some disappointment that I didn’t attend earlier. In all honestly it seems like it would have been the easier route. Now I have a few jobs(!), three kids, a husband, a mortgage, and plants that cannot water themselves.
Some days I’m not even sure if it’s still a dream of mine. It seems to have been buried deep down, forgotten about for so many years. I’m not entirely sure that it’s necessary for the work I most want to do, but the door has opened and I can see myself walking through. I am walking through and perhaps that’s enough for now. The call to walk through the door, to look around a little and see if it’s still my dream.
I love these words from a Kate Baer3 poem, she says “You can dance on the graves you dug on Tuesday, pulling out the bones of yourself you began to miss.” I suppose, I’m pulling out some bones I buried years ago when I didn’t have the imagination for the work I’m doing now. When I didn’t think I’d use the word pastor to describe myself. When I thought it was too late for my own dreams because I birthed a tiny baby with dreams of his own.
I made it sound easy earlier — just don’t give up on your dreams! Just go for them! If it was that easy, I wouldn’t be writing this and wouldn’t have cried with those women on the show. I am not at the end of this story4. I’m still deciding what to do with the bones I’m digging up, I’m still looking around the room, still dreaming new dreams, still figuring out how to hold two things at once. I am still in process, or as Kaitlin Curtice5 writes: I am still arriving. I hope you are too.
Alongside you in your dreaming,
Holly
Updates & Links
I am continuing to host co-writing through Spiritual Direction for Writers. (Co-Writing sessions are mostly that, a group working on their own writing projects — with a small check-in and centering at the top of each hour.) I’ll be hosting August 21, 1-3pm CT. If you’re interested or would like more information, reply to this email. This fall, I’ll settle into a rhythm of Wednesday afternoons from 1-3pm CT. I’d love for you to join!
As I mentioned last week, I have a new website where you a find information about my spiritual direction practice — www.hollyporterphillips.com — I hope you’ll check it out.
I have space to see a few more people in spiritual direction, if you know someone (or are someone!) who is interested, follow this link.
Lego Masters - we watch on Hulu (I think?)
I’ve written this before, and I’ll probably write it again — It’s Not Too Late, May 2023