An Invitation into the Reality of Our Own Lives

or how to re-enter a room you're already in.

Last fall, I attended a retreat for spiritual directors in Colorado Springs. It was led by Pádraig Ó Tuama, an Irish poet and theologian who also hosts the Poetry Unbound podcast, part of the On Being project. He brought a deep honesty and curiosity to our time together that I continued to unravel for months.

During our first session, Ó Tuama opened with a question I haven’t stopped thinking about. He asked, “Is there anything you want to share that will help you be present here?”

This simple question opened up space for the group to share about sick kids at home, back problems, a broken relationship, and a friend who had recently died by suicide.

Others spoke of their struggles with biblical language and the uncertainty of their beliefs. One attendee shared that imposter syndrome was sneaking in, wondering aloud about belonging in the group. Some of us stayed quiet, answering to ourselves a question we didn’t know we needed to be asked.

Since the retreat, I’ve brought this question to classes I’ve taught and groups I’ve participated in. I asked it of a friend over dinner, and I’ve begun to ask it of myself. Richard Rohr has said, “Prayer heals our split from life itself. It heals our disconnectedness….” In asking—what is standing in the way of being truly present?—I’ve begun to realize that it’s not only a question, but a prayer.

I’m reminded of a practice from one of Katrina Kennison’s books: When you struggle to be present to what’s in front of you, she invites you to imagine yourself re-entering the room. I may be thinking about what to cook for dinner while half-listening to my daughter, only to realize that I haven’t planned dinner or heard what my daughter has to say. When I become aware that I am distracted and far away I’ll find the door to the room I am in and imagine myself re-entering — more present to the moment.

Kennison, Rohr, and Ó Tuama are each, in their own ways, inviting us into the reality of our own lives.

For years, I have desired to be more present with my kids and in other aspects of my life. For the most part, I'm able to recognize when I’m not present in a situation — I acknowledge to myself when I’m making a to-do list, thinking about something in the past, or when the desire to be elsewhere comes up. Even in all of that, I had never asked the question of why in the moment—What is standing in the way of my being truly present?

But now, the practice of asking and naming, is beginning to transform those moments. I’m beginning to see these words as the gift that they are. My hope is that you can join me in this new practice. When we start to see ourselves drifting to another place, unable to be present to the person in front of us, to God, to ourselves, we can ask: What do I need to acknowledge to be fully present in this moment? In answering honestly, we can more easily open the door and enter again.

Links & Things

• On Being - you might like this one, this one or this one. :)

• Poetry Unbound & Pádraig Ó Tuama

• A version of this essay originally appeared on The Abbey Blog last January.

• As a spiritual direction apprentice, I am taking on directees for free as I learn and grow in the practice. You can read more about my apprenticeship training here and see my bio at the bottom of this page. If spiritual direction is something that you or someone you know might be interested in, please reach out! I can be contacted at hollyporterphillips@gmail.com.